November 18, 2010

I keep having memory blanks and it's getting worse.

I can't think of specific words. It's like the storage part of my brain is kicking information out, either words or meaning of words or strings of words like a message, incident, etc...

Today for instance:

I was emailing a friend about a price difference for water between the grocery store and the local .... this is where I drew a blank..... but could think of these words to describe the place: where I get prescriptions filled, buy toilet paper, etc.. but could not for the life of me remember the word "pharmacy". Even now! I had to go look it up again by typing fill prescriptions in google. Once I see the word, I recognise it as the right one.

Last night, I was trying to tell my husband something and the same thing happened with other words. I can't remember what I told him either at this point. Both of them have pointed out more and more that I keep repeating things, messages, information, etc, sometimes 4 or 5 times over the span of several days sometimes in the same day. And each time I do not remember the previous telling.

I find this rather disconcerting and embarrassing and I'm not sure what to do about it. I read a lot so it's not for lack of practice. I have problems remembering if I've seen a show or movie until I actually start skipping through it and recognise some of the scenes or dialogue. And this is where I actually prided myself at being able to tell the plotline of a book I'd read years earlier, same for a show or movie and now I can't even remember if I've seen something I watched the day before, never mind years earlier. :(

I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. I also feel like this is getting on my husband's nerves as well as my daughter's and I honestly don't know what to do about it except stop talking about anything other than what I'm doing at that moment for fear that I'll be repeating myself again for the umpteenth time that day! :(

Nov. 10, 2010

I haven't posted because it's the same old crap every day.

But one piece of super good news today....

I FINALLY HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR!!!!!!!!!

Hallelujah and the Angels rejoiced!

It took 6 years and health connect but I have one. 

And from the place I never thought to call.

The french health services in my city.

They only do business in french, and since I speak french...

Now I have to figure out how to get some income in until at least the appointment which is December 14th.

I've left another message with my neurologist letting him know I finally have a family doctor and he can forward my file to him. I really need that disability paper from him though and very soon. Rent is coming due on the 1st. 

Nov 4, 2010

Another day.
I'm tired
I'm fed up
I don't want to fight all the time just to get what I need
Je suis écoeurer au bout!

The usual crap, same shit, different day.

Tomorrow I will call the clinic to get an appointment.
Today I was too late when I thought of it.

Went to pick up meds at the pharmacy 2 blocks away.
Came home with my back and hips begging me to stop.

I hope things will improve soon but the future doesn't look that bright right now.

November 4, 2010

Another day.
I'm tired
I'm fed up
I don't want to fight all the time just to get what I need
Je suis écoeurer au bout!

The usual crap, same shit, different day.


Tomorrow I will call the clinic to get an appointment.
Today I was too late when I thought of it.


Went to pick up meds at the pharmacy 2 blocks away.
Came home with my back and hips begging me to stop.


I hope things will improve soon but the future doesn't look that bright right now.

Nov 3, 2010

Musings

Some days i wonder what I was in a previous life. Why is it that it always has to be so bad, that I have to struggle constantly to get anything.  I must have been very bad or something. I just don't get it. Why?

I know everyone has their burdens to bear.

I just feel like they've been piled on a tad thickly in my case.

It never ends.

There's always something or other that happens that sets me back 5 steps when I only managed to go forward by 3. I feel like I'm running a losing race and I don't even understand why. Why me?

It feels like a very evil joke at times. 

Something good is dangled in front of me, just out of reach.

I work hard, do my best and I still fail.

The proverbial brass ring gets yanked out of my hand before I even have a chance to close my fingers around it.

I know there are others out there who say the same thing.

I'm just tired...

Nov 1 & 2, 2010

I'm tired of the constant pain. I get up in pain, I try and keep up in pain and I go to bed in pain. Makes it hard to think at times. I also sleep like  crap these days. Nightmares of epic proportions. Being chased by a monster wielding a flame sword, get hit with it and wake up feeling like my skin is on fire.

Other nightmares too, always with pain and when I wake up, there it is. Why bother getting up

I went to see my neurologist today. My EI ran out last Monday and I still don't have a job, and anyway, not like I could keep up with a full time job. I wash dishes and I'm done for the next 3 hours.. woot! Everything exhausts me. I know a lot of the exhaustion is because I"m not sleeping well. I've started taking gravol to help me fall asleep. It sort of works, but it also leaves me feeling fuzzy when I do wake up and that's with a headache as well. Gotta love that. Anyway, he is writing a letter for EI to advise them I'm not in shape to work and that I am in the process of applying for ODSP. Which I have to do asafreakingp and I need a family doc for that. It's reached a point where I can't afford to wait for a doc that's nearby anymore. So later today (nov 3) I'm calling and hope to set an appointment asap.

He told me that it should go well. He has other patients who only have diabetes and they are on ODSP. He figures with what I have, the biggies, COPD, IBS, diabetes and fibro, I should be more than qualified to get in. And from what he's told me, it sounds like it would really be a good thing since I wouldn't have to pay for meds anymore and I'd receive assistive devices so I don't end up falling flat on my face. And I would also be able to take on a bit of work here and there when I feel able to which again would be nice. I don't see myself sitting day in day out on the couch for the rest of my life.... .which right now looks pretty bleak.

I remember thinking to myself last year that I would love nothing more than to have time to do crochet and knit. Guess that's what's happening now, but wow, at what price though. Not sure if that's a good trade off...

At this point, I'm just thankful that he's willing to help me get what I need.

I just wish my husband was more able bodied to help with stuff around the apartment. But with his chronic kidney stones he's pretty well in pain 24/7 as well, so not gonna happen. :(