Went to my doctor to discuss pain management and try and get off the amitriptylene.
After double checking drug interaction since I am on other medication for the other various health issues, we settled on trying Norotriptylene to see if it could replace the amis.
After a week, my personality went from loving, patient to irritable and mean and angry 24/7. I almost lost my darling husband to this medication. It also did nothing for the migraines as I began having those again.
The only plus side to the medication is that my blood pressure which had been at 103 over 69 had gone up to a normal level of 123 over 79.
I did not even realise that I had changed so dramatically and now that I'm back on amis, I have trouble remembering those days.
I wrote notes to myself during this period mainly because I couldn't understand why my husband kept saying that I was always angry, looking for a fight. I'm including these notes below to remind myself how much medication can affect the brain and not always in a good way.
December 16 - Who gives a fuck!!! :(
I'm so tired of being accused that I'm argumentative or cruising for a fight when I'm not!!!
I don't feel angry, Just sad and disappointed...
I, apparently, do not remember what I said 5 minutes earlier. Although I had to repeat it 4X! And this time, I tried very hard not to sound peevish, but on repeat #4 my patience failed.
I hate that my intelligence / knowledge is constantly questioned for accuracy. I may be 50 but I'm not stupid or uneducated!!!!
December 17 - Am I at fault for all of it?
I'm pretty sure I'm not but I could be wrong. (I've been told I was wrong for most of my life) I know it sounds like I'm pitying myself. I don't.
I just putting my thoughts on paper. I want to make sense of these things. I want to fix it if I'm at fault.
Is it because my answers are perceived as peevish? argumentative?
But when I go back over what caused the fight, I don't start off that way.
I get a little miffed when I have to keep repeating my answers because we're not in the same room. It's either that or I have to get up irregardless of how much I hurt, walk over to the other room and repeat my question/ answer again. By then my patience is pretty well gone and I"m accused of starting a fight which was not my intention!!!!!!!
Both of us being in pain doesn't help.
We both have shorter than average fuses... I think...
I'm just tired of always being in the wrong.
I have to go back on amitriptylenes!!!!! With those I don't get as emotional. I just feel numb most of the time. Maybe all this will stop then or I won't give a shit :(
December 18 - Kiss & Makeup
He apologized last night and so did I since it takes 2 to have a fight, although it didn't feel like a fight to me. I still feel sad.... he was quite worried that I don't love him anymore. I do love him, very much. Once the sadness goes away again, I will love him even more.
I hate our situation. When will we have peace?
Our needs aren't unreasonable!
Enough money to pay rent, phone, internet, food and once in a while a meal out or a movie. I don't think that this is too extravagant, too much to ask for.
I'm so tired of all this.
The constant battling for food, the food banks that hardly give anything since they have nothing to give out. I so hope the Christmas hamper will be decent.
Right now we have nothing for Christmas.
No tree, no decorations and honestly it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.
What is there to look forward to???
Not a damn thing!!
December 20 -
Meeting Samm tomorrow, I hope, as sad as it sounds, that she will buy us some groceries as Christmas presents. We can use the meat potatoes, veggies & fruit.
Karen & Ken should be coming fo a visit on the 27th... I hope. Depends if Karen gets that day off. Ken's birthday.. 26 years... I'm getting old and I hate it! I have nothing to show for my 50 years of life.
Going to see John McDermott @ Hamilton Place on Wednesday. George's treat.
I hope ODSP accepts my claim. At least the rules are not as strict as with OW and apparently I will receive more money.... I'll believe that when I see it.
Have to declare bankruptcy soon. Opening a bank account at Desjardins tomorrow. Hope they don't deny the account. Have to switch OW and EI asap. Hopefully will be able to take what money we have left in TD account and move it to new account. Keeping fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Watching LOTR again... been 4 months.
December 21 -
Parrot commission almost done. Just need to sew feet on. Box and ship asap. Going to friend of a friend who was recently diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, the big bad C word. She is having surgery in January 2012. I hope she lives.
Working on carcoat for Samm, coming along nicely. Late Xmas present.
Must assemble elf pattern, write it and publish on Rav. How to get sales!!! Money saving for computer for hubster so I can have the old computer. Tired of writing patterns out by hand or waiting to work on them when I get computer. Or paying money to have them printed out. Wish we had a printer ;(
Love love love Samm's shawl she made for me! Keeps my shoulders warm without pain. Fabric is nice and soft, filled with sisterly love. I can feel it when I wear it. Perfect for what I wear too!!!
Voicing Hamilton class done. Hoping to get zine off the ground before January 11th opening @ the Freeway Cafe. Need photos!! No one has posted any to the blog except for me :(
Haven't heard back from Jeanette if we have permission to use McMaster logo for zine. Hope she can. Will give it more credibility. Have to toss mockup together over this week.
Opening a bank account anywhere is out of the question now. My credit rating is minus 1000 or it might as well be. So we'll be switching to receiving cheques in the mail and cashing them at a bank, not TD. and we're going to have to pay for everything with cash only.
No comments:
Post a Comment